Mar. 30

Once again finding myself unemployed, I was left to figure out what I was to do. Going through The local community rag, I saw an ad. for amateur night at one of the local comedy clubs. The prize money was $500 which was looking pretty good by that point. I have also been told that I'm pretty funny. I always liked comics on TV and though I should give it a try. There was a phone number to call and book a place. My place secured I went to the local donut shop to celebrate with my first strawberry jelly of the year (I try to limit myself to two dozen a year).

Properly supplied with fatty, sugary treats and caffeinated beverages, I wrote out and practiced some jokes trying to get them really good. Or as good as possible anyway, practicing every syllable so I couldn't mess any of them up, no matter how nervous I got. That was the monkey wrench in the scheme. I had an inherent disposition towards stage fright. I could have sworn it was genetic. Still, there were ways around it.

The club was actually in a nice part of town. I had been lead to believe that most such establishments that had "amateur nights" tended to be more on the "dive" end of the the spectrum. I was soon to find out why. I'm not sure why I wasn't tipped off by the nice location, or nicely dressed, professional demeanor of the other performers and staff or the fact that the other performers all seemed to be getting paid. I just walked in, gave them my first name and I was told where to wait. Imagine my surprise, and dread, when I went out on stage and saw, not a couple of dozen as I had anticipated, but a couple of hundred people in the audience. My heart literally stopped for a couple of seconds. It was so quiet, one could hear the buzzing of the P.A. equipment. I saw someone who fit the profile of a heckler prepare to yell something. I decided to beat him to the punch. This went on for the rest of my "act". My tried and true method of masking crushing, devastating, ulcer inducing dread with self-depreciation. The owner asked me to come back the next week.

(Here ends the series Even Steven)